LOVE IS A SPELL

11 Oct, 2026

Everything that follows is absolute truth, revealed to me by Dr. Olongobe who I met in the comment section of your blog.

Clerics will tell you love is a divine gift. Your second ex-husband, Barnaby, told you it was a shared investment portfolio right before he absconded with three bags of gold, your ring of protection, and the good mules. Dr. Olongobe knows the truth: love is a spell. Marriages don't break cleanly. Flesh rots in a predictable, orderly sequence, but domestic bliss decays with chaotic inefficiency.

The five incantations below are the intellectual property of Dr. Olongobe, doctor, magician, and my personal lawyer. They are presented without warranty, refund, or emotional support. I am safe from Dr. Olongobe here because I have no comment section. He can only attack you through your comment section.

1. THE BISECTING DECREE

Components: A notary’s seal dipped in goat’s milk

Divides any jointly owned physical estate down the exact arithmetic center.

Upon casting, a thin line of violet sulfur cuts through the targeted property (e.g., a cottage, wagon or shared warhorse). The spell then splits the target down the middle with the sound of a snapped spine. Once sundered, it can never be reconciled.

• Currency: Split gold and silver coins become razor-thin metal slivers. They are rendered completely worthless to local merchants.
• Livestock & Mounts: Roll 1d6. On 1–3, you receive the front half (requires 2x grain, moves at a crawl). On 4–6, you receive the back half (kicks for 1d6 damage, leaves a mess).
• Magical Items: The item loses all enchantment, becoming two oddly shaped paperweights.

2. ALIMONY OF TITHES

Duration: Until death, remarriage, or court order
Components: A heavy iron coin Target: Must be a former partner (romantic or business)

Binds the target’s financial and physical recovery directly to your purse and vitality.

The spell summons an invisible imp to follow the target. Whenever the target earns silver, gold, or gemstones, the imp pilfers 20% of the value, which materializes beneath the magic user's pillow at midnight. Whenever the target rests to regain hit points they heal at half speed and the same amount of hit points are diverted to you.

3. RETROACTIVE ANNULMENT

Components: A portrait featuring both parties, cut down the center and burned in separate fires.

Erases the legal, emotional, and physical record of a union from reality. The universe reorganizes itself to pretend the marriage never took place.

The spell does not erase time, but it retroactively alters context. Local villagers will remember you not as former spouses, but as "those two bitter business associates who shared a drafty room."

• Children: Any children born of the annulled union do not vanish. They remain but become orphans who unnervingly resemble both targets but are unaware of their parentage.
• Memory: Both targets lose all recollection of why they fell in love in the first place, but retain full, vivid memory of every argument.

4. BINDING LOVE-COLLAR

Duration: 24 Hours (so long as magic user compliments the target at least every 1d6 hours)
Components: Honey mixed with lye and smeared across the magic user's lips

The target falls violently in love with the magic user. The resulting love is 1d4: 1. needy, 2. neurotic, 3. exhausting, or 4. dangerous. The target will follow the magic user at a distance of 1d6 feet, weeping tears of devotion, reciting improvised poetry, and attempting to assault anyone who winks or smiles at the magic user.

The target will gladly leap onto pit traps or shield the magic user from dragon breath to prove their affection.

5. CUSTODY OF ABYSSAL WARD

Duration: Alternate Weeks
Components: An hourglass filled with graveyard dirt

Designed specifically for magic users who jointly summoned, created, or adopted an imp, homunculus, or flesh construct before separating. The familiar can now teleport freely between both magic users at command of either magic user. During any disagreement between the magic users, the familiar disappears for 1d6 hours or until an accord is reached.

If either magic user speaks ill of the other while in the entity’s presence, the entity can Save Vs Spell to slip their magical binding and return to hell.